With Our Hearts in Our Hands

Well on yet another sleepless night, I pose a question - why is it there are those of us who are attracted to all of the wrong people?

Although, maybe 'wrong' is not the correct word. Perhaps 'unavailable' is better; more politically correct. Unavailable in one form or another. Unavailable physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally - it could be just one from that list or all of the above. Whatever the case, it seems we have this powerful magnetism to all the people who are just not right for us.

It doesn't seem to matter how many times we get hurt or allow ourselves to get hurt, we just keep going back for more. Maybe we feel that our love is strong enough to help or change the person. Maybe we think that if we could just say or do something, the loved one will eventually have a revelation and then finally love us in return. After all, that's all we really want - their love.

This pattern could be all we know, having grown up in some sort of abusive environment. Perhaps one parent was always striving for the other's attention and love, but only to be met with unfaithfulness, harsh words, and at times, physical and emotional abuse.

So now all that is left, is a recollection of the so-called "love" that was shown, and a warped image of what we think love should be that has been glossed over by TV shows, movies, and music. Yes, maybe these are some of things that have molded our way of thinking and taught us to believe that we really do need someone who could never care for us as much as we love and care for them.

And so there we stand with our hearts in our hands offering them everything we have, but somehow it's just not enough. And here is the clincher, it's not enough, but they still want it and still take it. And we like the fools we are, keep giving and trying, thinking one day, just maybe one day it will change.

But the reality is - we are only hurting ourselves. There is an old saying, 'You get what you take'. And it's true. The only ones that can stop this way of thinking and behavior is ourselves. So I guess the next question would be, 'Are we strong enough?'

Music

Location: Clinton Hill - Brooklyn, NY

THE VIOLINIST

Upon arriving at the subway platform some weeks ago, violin music echoed through the entire station. It was the man who is there probably once a week. Whether he has a set day or not, I do not know. All I knew was how it made me feel. It had been all I could do that morning to pry myself out of bed not wanting to face another day with a heavy heart that resulted from some dismal things that have happened in my life. The sad, forlorn music that flowed so soothingly from his violin somehow seemed to comfort my weary soul. 'Too bad he was on the other side of the tracks', I thought, he would have gotten a huge tip and I probably would have bought all of his CDs.

Then, not long ago, for some strange reason my friend and I were having a discussion about a certain violinist who frequents the subway stations. She had also heard him play and was able to buy his CD. It turns out that the mysterious man with the violin is Tom Swafford. As a token of her kinship and generosity, she gave me the CD.

I would have to say that Tom's music most assuredly fits the category of a soothing consolation. But you may decide for yourself at his website: http://www.tomswafford.com/mp3.html

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Why is it when we feel as if our heart has been ripped from our chest, that music can sometimes be just the healing balm that is needed to soothe the pain? But at other times it can be like salt to a wound that stings and festers?